Why Self-Love Feels Hard (And How To Start Anyway)

Looking into the mirror, I question why I am not farther along than I am. Why I feel like I am stuck in the same loop as I was six months ago, a year ago, even three years ago?

I look past the red marker that a positive affirmation is written in, and I begin to doubt myself. Begin to doubt that I am worthy of my dreams. Begin to doubt the power of who I am. Begin to doubt my beauty, and instead, all I see are the failings. 

The moments I was brave enough to step into who and what I wanted to be don’t really matter anymore. BECAUSE they haven’t gotten me anywhere. Those steps, the ones that propelled me forward, are now thousands of steps in front of me. I have been pushed to the side. Not by anyone specific, but by the idea that I am just not good enough to be where I was, and so now, I am no longer there. 

WHY SELF-LOVE MATTERS

I worked hard to fall in love with who I am. 

To fall in love with my body.

To fall in love with my purpose.

To fall in love with who I was becoming. 

To fall in love with my past self who hurt and was broken.

The future me mattered, BUT it was the present me that was taking me there. I fell in love with her. It wasn’t easy. It took practice. It took dedication. But when I finally was able to look into that mirror and smile, life was good. 

I had it figured out, and so I continued with life, carrying around this confidence. This confidence that told me I knew where I was headed and who I wanted to be.

That confidence has faded.

The girl that I was once, hiding in the background.

Sometimes I can see her. She peeks her head around, like looking around a corner. She doesn’t want to be seen or heard anymore. No, that isn’t accurate. 

She wants to be seen and heard again. She is craving that confidence. She is craving the call to follow her dreams. So, she is just waiting. Every once in a while, reminding me that she is there. And so here I am, sitting at my computer, typing this blog post. In hopes that this is the start of her return. 

So why does self-love feel so hard? 

Because, despite our loved ones telling us that we are beautiful, that we are smart, that we are accomplished, we take that one negative that someone told us and replay it in our head every day. 

I have been told that I am fat.

I have been told that I am ugly.

I have been told that my dreams are unattainable.

I have been told that writing doesn’t change the world.

I have been told that I need to grow up and focus.

I have been told that I should work out more. 

When we are told the negative, our mind constantly replays it until we begin to believe it. Until we finally give in and say, “You know what, that person is right.” EVEN WHEN THEY ARE NOT!

That little voice in our head becomes BIG and LOUD when it is scared. 

We also believe that somehow, self-love is a destination. That one day, we will wake up and everything will be sunshine and rainbows. To have self-love, we must never feel the pain of the dark days. When in reality, there is no destination. 

There is no moment when life will be nothing but good.

There is no final destination that we reach, and we just know that we have made it.

Instead, all these little moments add up to show us that we truly love who we are. What are those moments? Well, let’s talk about them.

SMALL MOMENTS OF BUILDING SELF-LOVE

I was staring at my vision board this morning after putting a load of laundry away. Reading through the quotes that I put on there, and the photos of dream houses with pools and a dream location for my business. Staring at the photo of the building that I would love my business to be in, I smiled. I can picture it. Having a hub where women come to heal, write, and connect. 

Those little moments that I was talking about. That’s what this was. For a few minutes, I believed in my dreams. I believed in this beautiful hub that I want to create. I didn’t let anyone or anything tell me any differently. 

I may look at myself in the mirror some days and question my worth, BUT then there are days that I know exactly what I am supposed to do and I believe it. These are the moments that remind me that I do love who I am.

I want you to think about this question…

Would you say any of those negative thoughts you say about yourself to your best friend?

The likely answer would be, NO! I would never talk to my best friend like that. And yet, here we are, talking to ourselves like that. 

Now that we have determined that we would never talk to our best friend like this, we need to STOP talking to ourselves like this. Let’s go over the framework on how we can start this self-love journey. How, even on the hard days, we can show up for ourselves and begin to remind ourselves of who we are. 

YOUR SELF-LOVE ROADMAP: HOW TO BEGIN AGAIN

I am taking it back to basics. These are the steps that I created for myself back in 2014. They helped me when I was at my lowest point. When looking at myself in the mirror brought so much pain. 

Get naked and stand in front of the mirror

The amount of self-hatred you have will depend on how long it takes you to get through this step. Start where you are. There is no need to shame yourself. I am a bit further along in this step, as I have been doing it for over ten years now. 

This is what you are going to do…

Every time you take a shower, get naked, and stand in front of the mirror. Look at yourself for a minute and up to three minutes. Don’t look away. Look at how beautiful your body is. You won’t feel like this right now, and that is okay! We are building this up. 

Now, if you can look at yourself naked for three minutes, I want you to start listing things that you love about yourself. We are going to build up to this, so don’t worry if you aren’t here yet. 

Start small and think about things that you may take for granted. This is where I started when I began this stage of Part One. 

• I have hands that I can brush my teeth with.

• I have arms that I can wash my body with in the shower.

• I have legs that allow me to walk in Nose Hill Park.

• My eyes see the beauty in the world.

• I have stretch marks from 3 beautiful babies that I was able to carry. Other women wish that they had stretch marks. 

This is going to be hard. When I first started, I didn’t even last thirty seconds looking at myself. I hated myself so deeply that I couldn’t do it and so it was at that point that I promised myself I would do it every day.

You got this! Keep showing up for yourself. You deserve to feel beautiful in your own skin. 

Use affirmations to help change your internal words

Words play an important role in our lives. Whether they are unspoken or spoken, they have a way of changing our lives. By adding affirmations into your daily routine, you can begin to rewire the words that you are replaying in your head.

Most of the time, we don’t even realize the words that we are saying to ourselves because it is second nature. It’s time to change that, and it is time to start repeating the words that we want to believe about ourselves.

Here are some examples of affirmations that you can use:

• I am embracing my whole self.

• I am enough and always have been.

• I am more than what appears on the outside.

• I am allowed to be who I am meant to be.

• I fall in love with myself more every day.

If you don’t want to use any of these, check out Pinterest for some more ideas. Here is my board that I have created with a bunch of different affirmations or you can create your own. 

Use a journal to get out of your head

I love words and I love writing. There is nothing more powerful than opening up a journal and writing down everything that is going on in your head. 

You need to release it. Give it a place to live that isn’t inside of you. 

Not everything you put on those pages is going to make sense. That isn’t the point. The point is to get it out. Give it room to expand and to be free. This is going to give you a chance to think freely without feeling like you are bogged down with everything else that is going on. 

Journaling doesn’t have to be complicated. 

You can just free write and put onto paper whatever comes out. 

You can close your eyes and meditate while having a pen and a journal on your lap. 

You can make lists.

You can draw.

It is your journal and you can do anything with it. 

Add practical self-care to your daily routine

I am a HUGE supporter of self-care. I think it gets a bad rap but it doesn’t need to. It is a necessity to ensure that we are able to care for and do everything that we need to in our daily lives. 

I am also a HUGE believer that self-care doesn’t have to be extravagant. It should be practical, and it should easily fit into your life. 

For Christmas, I bought my husband and me a massage and sauna membership from Cedar and Steam so that once a month, we get to go together and get a 60-minute massage and spend up to two hours in the sauna. It has been the best investment. 

We get a chance to turn this into a date day and have lunch together. This is part of my self-care routine. Now, I am not saying that you need to do this every month, but here are some other ideas to help you find practical solutions.

• Making yourself a nutritious breakfast.

• Going to bed early

• Start a yoga routine

• Meal prep

• Get outside in the sunshine

• Call someone that you miss

• Take a free course on Udemy

• Grab a book and read

• Meditate

• Take yourself out for dinner or lunch

Self-care should be easy to add to your daily life. It doesn’t need to be complicated. It doesn’t need to have you spending a ton of money. It needs to be practical and simple. A way for you to take a few minutes and take care of yourself. 

Walking back to the mirror in my bathroom, staring at the affirmation on my mirror, I am bringing my vision to life. I smile. 

I am beginning to remember who I am. 

I am beginning to feel the light from the fire within.

I am beginning to feel Samantha looking around the corner, smiling at me.