Who Am I Without All Of The Noise

I was in the middle of folding towels when I had to run downstairs to my computer to get this blog post out of my head. 

This morning, I wrote a Substack article called I Don’t Need Saving, and I think this blog post is just another version of that, but possibly on a deeper level.

For the past few weeks, after my life was thrown into the fire, I have been trying to figure out who I am. 

I think we all begin to question who we are at some point. And some of us never stop. 

When hard things happen, we start to question our worth, our experiences, and the choices that we made, thinking that we could have done something different. Could have done something better. 

But today, I am realizing that isn’t the case. 

Maybe I just need to quiet those voices. 

Maybe I need to sit down with myself, even more than I already have, and figure out who I am without all the noise.

Without all of the people telling me who I should be. 

Without all of the ideas of where I should be versus where I actually am. 

And I think this blog post is the start of that. 

So instead of a typical blog post where I write and reveal all my deep, dark secrets and how I have managed to move past some of the things in my life, this time I am going to write a list. 

Write a list of who I am without all of the noise. 

And see what comes out. 

THE LIST OF WHO AM I WITHOUT ALL OF THE NOISE 

And even though I ran down to my computer so that I wouldn’t forget all of the things I started to list in my head during towel folding, I am now sitting here, wondering what those things were.

1. I am an entrepreneur who also loves to work for someone else. 

2. I am a mom who loves her children, but needs to be more than a mom.

3. I am a wife who loves to take care of her husband and goes above and beyond in everything I do for him.

4. I am separated after 20 years of marriage, and I question that every single moment of every single day.

5. I want my business to succeed, but I am terrified of having to rely on myself for an income.

6. I am a writer who questions how good she is at actually writing.

7. I have all of these visions in my head of who I want to be, but I don’t know how to bring her to life. 

8. I am a people pleaser who is trying to recover.

9. I am a woman who thrives on compliments and outside validation, even though I try really hard not to be that way.

10. I am a great cook even though I wish someone would do it for me. 

11. I love to meditate.

12. I love the idea of journaling, and I have been doing it twice a day for almost two weeks now, and there are days that I just can’t write anything. 

13. I am a dominant personality, but I so desperately want to be taken care of.

14. I am feminine, but I hate the idea of doing my makeup and my hair. 

15. I love my body, but some days I absolutely struggle with what it looks like. 

16. I love working out, but at the same time, I hate working out. It doesn’t bring me joy like it used to.

17. I hate how clutter makes me feel.

18. I am 41 years old, and I am still trying to figure out how to create a life for myself.

19. I love people, but I really do need a lot of time to myself. 

20. I am a Cancer, and it totally explains who I am.

21. I am an INFJ personality type, and it totally explains who I am.

22. I want to let loose, but I hate not having control.

23. I always put other people first and wish that I could do the same for myself.

24. I love food.

25. Dr. Pepper is my favorite drink. 

26. I am a terrible water drinker, but I am trying hard not to be.

27. I am not a morning person, and I hate staying up late. 

28. When I have an idea, I jump in with both feet and just do it. I can figure it out as I go, and if I can’t, well then, it wasn’t meant for me.

29. I believe in the Universe instead of God. 

30. I believe in manifesting.

31. I believe that your thinking truly makes a difference in the outcome of your day-to-day life.

32. I want all women to succeed.

33. I can feel people’s energy, but I don’t always know what to do with that information.

34. I trust too easily.

35. I can be naive because I think all people are as good as me.

36. I am terrible at small talk.

37. I want to be the best at everything that I do.

38. The new business idea I am working on feels like it is the one I should pursue.

39. I read my horoscope every morning through an app on my phone.

40. I want people to help me, but they do it wrong, so I will just do it myself.

41. I will do anything and everything for you until you push me too far.

42. I can hold a grudge, but I am the nicest person.

43. I love to keep things private, but I am very open about who I am and what I have gone through and am going through.

44. I hate violence and close my eyes during parts of movies, but I love true crime shows.

45. I couldn’t even tell you what my natural hair color is.

46. I love someone fully from day one.

47. I shut down if someone becomes aggressive.

48. I want to be a leader and know that I can be, but I don’t want to do it with domination and loudness.

49. I am sensitive, and I always thought that was a weakness.

50. I want to be noticed, but I hate attention.

51. I think very logically, but I listen to my intuition.

52. I don’t understand my emotions, but I can understand those around me.

53. I hate and avoid conflict at all costs.

54. I never stop thinking and tend to overanalyze everything in my life. 

55. I can write my feelings and emotions, but I don’t always know how to say them out loud.

56. I doubt that I am good enough for the people around me.

57. I listen to the same song over and over again.

58. I don’t need advice. I just need someone to listen to me.

59. I am shy until you get to know me.

60. I feel responsible for everyone’s feelings.

And I think I could keep going. Because maybe that is the thing I am beginning to understand. 

There isn’t one perfectly packaged version of me hiding underneath all of the noise. 

I am all of these things.

I am confident and insecure. 

Independent and desperately wanting to be taken care of. 

Ambitious and scared.

Social and someone who needs to be alone. 

A woman who loves the life she has created and a woman who still wonders what else is out there for her. 

Maybe figuring out who I am isn’t about choosing between those things. Maybe it is about finally allowing all of them to exist at the same time.

Because for so long, I think I have been trying to figure out which version of me is the right one. 

The entrepreneur or the employee.

The wife or the independent woman.

The mom or the woman who wants something entirely her own. 

The confident woman or the one who still needs someone to tell her she is doing a good job. 

But maybe there isn’t a right version. Maybe there is just me. 

Complicated. Contradictory. Still figuring shit out at 41. 

And maybe instead of trying so hard to become the woman I have pictured in my head, I need to get curious about the woman who is already here. 

Because underneath all of that noise, I think she has been trying to tell me who she is for a very long time. And maybe I am finally ready to listen.